Sometimes, even though you try your best to hide through your laughter and smiles the loneliness you`re experiencing, there will come a moment that you just let yourself show what`s really inside. And I think there is nothing wrong with that. Let yourself feel the pain, the loneliness, and the pressure. Let yourself cry for a little while. But afterwards, stand up, go on, and smile and laugh again. Then just accept wholeheartedly that things are enevitable to happen, especially those things that are essential part of growing. The Lord is there to help and guide us each and every step of the way.
When I was attending my college years in the city of Pines (Baguio City) everytime I encounter a difficult situation, I will just go home to Asin, the place where I grew up, stay for few days, and go on again. I made my home as a form of escape from the stress of the city, and from pressures for everyday life as a student.
There was once a time that I wished I could totally leave that place, because of sad memories I have as a child - my longing for my parents, the hardships we had in life, the loneliness in the dark of not having electricity, the moments when my cousins and aunts and uncle has to say goodbye and leave for their own lives, and the death of my grandma.
But I wasnt able to. I cant. I went to college, and stayed in the city. But every weekend I decided to go back home, or everytime I am in a difficult situation, to at least recharge my battery to go on.
Im really thankful that my place remained green. Everytime I see the green surroundings, for a moment I forget all the stress, pressure, and hardships I am going through while in the city. It was my form of escape. I ran to the forest and do everything I wanna do, cry, sing, dance, laugh, shout, etc. No one can see me. In that place no one will gonna say that I am crazy, no one will mind me, only the trees, the birds, and the river. But these things will can do nothing. Freedom. I once have that freedom, in the forest of my hometown. Freedom to explore. Freedom to express what I feel by shouting, crying, or laughing, then afterwards, I am me again.
I grew up with my grandparents. And the location of my home is faraway from neighbours. The main gate to our ``compound`` are trees. From outside that compound, no one can tell that there is a house inside.
In that little house, we lived happily the simple life God has given us. As long as we are eating three times a day, sheltered, and kept warm during the cold season, we are already happy. I remember the moments we have with my grandparents, when my lolo and lola tease each other regarding their ancestors (my lola is Benguet Ibaloi and my lolo is Kankanaey-Mountain Province and half Spanish, migrated in La Union Provinces, where he got some of his Ilocano beliefs). Theres a lot of happy memories we had, despite of the hardship in life.
I was a loner. I prefer to be alone most of the time. I prefer to be alone staying at home, watching the current of the river as it flows, alone walking along the ricefields while watching my grandpa plow the field. I prefer to be alone singing in the forest. I was a loner, but then I was free.
I am in Canada right now, the place where almost everybody is dreaming to live. They say that you are lucky if you can step your foot in this place. This is true, with all the convenience in life and greener pasture.
In Canada, I came to know more about my Lord, got saved, and will be heaven bound. I found a church that became my family, even for a short period of time, I found new friends, and a new family. I found people who really cares for me even though I just met them for a little while. I also learned to get out of my loner life and explore my surroundings - to laugh with my friends, to sing with them, to cry with them, and to be a happy person.
But sometimes, due to difficult situations, deep inside me, Im still longing for that place where I had that freedom. Everytime Im facing something I wanna escape for a while, the picture of that place is always on my mind. My heart is wishing to go home, for a while, to recharge, and go on again..But deep inside me Im still longing for that freedom. Freedom wherein you can express everything, the freedom to dance with the wind, the freedom to sing with the birds, the freedom to run with the river`s current, and the freedom to be yourself.
Yet I dont actually know when will that be. I dont actually know when will I be seeing every angle of that place again. And if ever that day will come, is that place will be still the same place I used to know? Will it be the same place wherein I used to be free??
Well, if ever I cannot go home, or if ever that place will not be the same place I used to know, there is one better place wherein I can be able to have the freedom far better from the freedom I had. There will be no suffering, no sorrow, and everything will be happiness. That place wherein I can sing again, I can dance again, and this time, not a form of escape from any pressures in life, but my price from something I was able to escape - HELL as the punishment of my sins. The place Im talking about?? That`s heaven.
Good night.
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